The Seventh House - Love, or Pain?

Is the Seventh House a house of love and pleasure, or of pain? Most people would knee-jerk to a reaction of "Love, of course! It is the house of partnerships and marriage!" The Seventh House is where astrologers traditionally look to see if there is partnership and/or marriage potential between people. If your personal planets fall in my Seventh House, and my personal planets fall in your Seventh House, and my Seventh House planets get along with your Seventh House planets, then we should go ahead and start our wedding registry, right? I am not so sure anymore. It is also the house of open enemies, and what I have often seen is that when someone is your so-called "soul mate," they end up bringing you at least as much pain as pleasure. That is because, in my opinion, a soul mate is not here to bring you everlasting compatibility, cooperation, and bliss, they are here to be your mirror. They are here to push your buttons so you can grow and learn lessons, often painful ones. "Life is pain," after all. Our level of attachment to things (people, outcomes, ideas, etc., as well as material things) is in direct correlation to the amount of pain and suffering we experience. And what are we more attached to than our significant others, our soul mates, our partners? I'm going to go out on a limb here and posit that not much else is as significant to us humans as that. 

I'm not trying to be a Negative Nelly here or poo-poo the love and compatibility that can often be found in Seventh House synastry, because that is indeed also real and wonderful. I just think that sometimes, if we can read a chart objectively without harboring any romantic illusions, we might be able to foreshadow some pain that may come along with the pleasure we often wish to only see. Because astrologers tend to look at the Seventh House as the house of love and romance (I beg to differ - I often see the Fifth House as more of that), the ugly side of partnerships and soul mating is swept under the rug. I'm just dragging that crap out and shining a big ol' light on it. Hell, somebody's gotta do it.

For instance, let's look at someone who has a stellium of personal planets, all in the same water sign, in his Seventh House. It is jam-packed and he has conjunctions galore (and many squares, too). Sun, Mercury, Mars and Venus are all in there, all in grasping Cancer. Many would say this person is "relationship-minded" and places much importance, even his identity (Sun), on his partnership or even his partner. Lots of women would think, Ooh, this guy is relationship material. And indeed, he has had his share of long-term, back-to-back relationships, (with a few concurrent ones on the side as well). He does not like to be alone. Ever. 

Well, let's take this a step further, and let's take those rose-colored glasses off while we're at it.

This person's Sun is his midpoint between his Venus and his Mars. His identity and ego (Sun) is a compilation of how he loves and what his values are (Sun conjunct Venus) and how he expresses his masculinity, his sex drive, and his anger (Sun conjunct Mars). In fact, to me, his Mars being in his Seventh House at all is a sign that he will have tumultuous relationships. Throw in that conjunction to his Sun and the Sun also conjunct to Venus, and both his ego (Sun) and his relationship style are going to be pretty anger-driven, and they are. Not to mention he is going to have so much riding on his relationships, in the way of them being a reflection of his identity (Sun), simply because it is a direct expression of both his values (Venus) and his masculinity (Mars), that he will probably have a pretty firm "my way or the highway" thing going on in his close partnerships, which he does. He also has narcissistic tendencies and control issues. He needs to have a partner, or else he will not be able to function well and will go ballistic (Mars protecting that ego/Sun) until he gets what he needs. And if the partner wants to leave the relationship without his consent, Goddess help him or her, because he won't stand for it, because it would be too earth-shattering to his ego (Sun), his values (Venus), and his manhood (Mars). 

This guy can't function without a partner, or even better, a wife, and she will need to be his lifeline in everything. And she'd better be hot, too, because his ego (Sun) won't allow (Mars) any relationship partner to make him look or feel less than he values himself (Sun conjunct Venus) to be. He'll never let on to any of this though, because he prides himself (Sun) on being very fair-minded and love-oriented (Seventh House/Libra). In fact, he will likely be completely blind to all of it. Looks pretty codependent, vampirish, and honestly pretty abusive to me. So much for the "relationship material" soul mate crap this time around. 

Let's look at one of his more recent partners, as well. Her Seventh House is empty. Nothing in there at all, not a single planet or asteroid (maybe a Midpoint or two, but that remains to be investigated). What is this all about? I tend to read this as she is open to experiences, relationships, partnerships, and does not have any specific planetary energy directing her to act, give or receive in any particular way. Or does she? On her Seventh House cusp is Gemini, which is ruled by Mercury, which is in her very packed Ninth House. He has a stellium in the Seventh; she has a stellium in the Ninth, which includes her Sun and Pluto (which are conjunct, oh my), along with Mercury, Mars and both Dark Moon Lilith and Asteroid Lilith and her South Node. Schnikeys, she is not one to be pushed around or told what to do, is she? The Seventh House as a whole is ruled by Libra, which is ruled by Venus. Her Venus is in her Eleventh House, conjunct Jupiter in Scorpio. She greatly (Jupiter) values (Venus) deep (Scorpio) friendships (Eleventh House). So she definitely does have some relationship stuff going on, it is just indirect and not as in-your-face as his stuff is. And hers is more predicated on the idea of freedom and friendship (11th house Aquarian values) and being self-possessed (Sun conjunct Pluto) on her own terms, on her own path to enlightenment (9th house stellium). His seems more all about him.

Looking at her chart, his Mercury, Mars, and Sun are all in her Seventh House. He is (on the outset at least) a good fit for her, partnership wise. He talks like a good partner for her (his Mercury), acts (for the most part) like a good partner for her (his Mars), and seems to express the identity of the perfect partner for her (his Sun). And yet, his packed Seventh House may be overkill for her empty Seventh House. He is completely beyond invested in what this relationship can do for him (Sun conjunct Venus and Sun conjunct Mars), whereas she could probably take it or leave it and remain relatively unscathed in the process. It does seem like he fills what could be otherwise seen as a void in her life/chart though. He completely fills up her otherwise empty Seventh House of partnerships. But what does he fill it with? Himself. His need for his partnership to boost his self image. His desire for his partner and his partnership to make him value himself more and act like a better person.

Looking at his chart, her Moon falls into his Seventh house and is tightly conjunct his Venus. This is normally a strong indicator of positive relationship potential. For him, he values (Venus) her feelings (Moon) as they relate to their partnership (his Seventh House). How she feels is important to him, because to him, it reflects and strengthens his identity (his Sun conjunct both his Venus and his Mars in his Seventh House). 

However, this conjunction of her Moon and his Venus falls in her Eighth House. Different reception of the same connection. (They have conjunct Ascendants, a connection of similars, so their House structure is nearly identical. There are some differences though, but overall there was a feeling of familiarity with this couple, at least initially and outwardly.) He may see it as a perfect partnership but she may feel (Moon) that he values (Venus) her only for what he can get from her (Eighth House of sex, death and other people's money). Her Moon in her Eighth House makes her feel (Moon) guarded, secretive, and somewhat spooky (Eighth House). He's feeling all Seventh House Venus conjunct Sun "I am worth more now because I possess you" and she's feeling all Eighth House dark and deep Moon "I gotta get away from you," somewhat of a Pluto-Persephone vibe. (Indeed, their Plutos are also conjunct, indicating a power struggle.) Whenever she needs to withdraw emotionally (Moon in Eighth), he takes it as a personal affront, a threat to their relationship, and thus his own ego, and attacks her (Mars in Seventh conjunct Sun). She feels like his "investment" (Venus) in her is too much to bear, too suffocating, too intensely driven (Mars conjunct Sun). His need to possess her as his partner overwhelmed her need to protect her own sensitive nature from his violent tendencies (Mars conjunct Sun in the Seventh), so she left him, but not without him behaving violently towards her again because of it.

So is the Seventh House synastry an indication of good, or evil then? I vote for neither, and both. A lot depends on the individuals involved and on other aspects in the chart. It is definitely not as smooth and lovey-dovey of a House as many would like to believe, though, in my opinion. It is not simply a direct indication of easy connection and happiness. I think it shows us where we have our work to do (with the partner in question), our work of letting go of our attachments. Not so romantic, this idea of letting go of attachments, as is the idea of clinging desperately and longingly to our loved ones, eh? However, for our relationships to endure, or indeed to teach us what they are there to teach us, they must be open and free to be what they are. And sometimes that can be pretty messy, especially if we have a death grip on them.

As long as we are willing to look at our Seventh House (and our partner's Seventh House) realistically, and see beyond just what we wish to see when we are doing synastry charts, we can probably uncover potential pitfalls early enough to prevent some major damage and use what we find there to our mutual advantage. Often times, unfortunately, it is only with hindsight that we realize these things. And in these cases, it is still better to learn from these situations so we can apply them to future relationships, using what we find to aid in our mutual growth and enjoyment of one another. Which is, if you ask me, what being in a relationship should be all about.